Monday, October 1, 2007
CRAZY final
Nothing that it was before it is no more/ there was something here yet there was nothing here/ I miss spending days in nothing making fun out of something/ old summers past but not at last but as if stripped from me with my last gasp/ I'm sitting here without you where you never were/ the green aroma of your leaves glazed with morning dew/ you were always filled with life but never truly alive/ now you are not living but to me you are not dead/ not hearing you out loud for words you cannot say/ but hearing them inside my head til near the end of day
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
11 comments:
You added the line "the green aroma of your leaves glazed with morning dew" and then after that you changed a bunch in the ending.
I really like the line "you were always filled with life but never truly alive" you added before the "now you are not living but to me you are not dead" part.
I still like the ending.
I like how you changed the structure and added the slashes. I also like the line you added... "the green aroma of your leaves.." It really adds more emotion to this person you are missing.
I see that you changed the structure, and you added more things to make it a little bite clearer. It is just better!! i like it better too this way!
The format you used make it pretty unique from most of these other poems, it also works well with your poem. Good work.
i like how you crammed it all together, somehow it makes it seem more emotion filled. you put a lot more thought into this one than your first one, you can tell. Its also a lot clearer what this poem is abut. good job.
...why do you insist on defying me? you evil little man. but anyway...i do enjoy the metaphor of the forest and stuff. it's good that you cleared that up. um...poptart.
hey blog buddy! i like your poem...i get it! ITS ABOUT A FOREST! but yea i like how you added details like "green aroma of your leaves glazed with mornign dew" that little line added a lot to the poem.
I noticed that you changed the structure &added the slashes and different words to make it a little clearer. Good job!
I love how this poem is about a forest but also could be anything else. Like you know about the "Mushroom" poem. I like the way that your first poem was shaped compared to your final being in paragraph form and having the slashes. Like the ending.
'The green aroma of your leaves glazed with morning dew' did tell me that it was about trees if not a forest.
but you had said that it was about a forest i can see it more in this poem.
'not hearing you out loud for words you can not say but hearing them inside my head till near the end of day'
that is a very good line even if it is more then one line. a very good ending.
i love the pauses with the slash marks! that is a really cool element you added in there. i think t hat along with that you have a ton more added in words that give you more hints to wat the poem is about, and you are telling more in the final one. and you have more description too! it seems like a lot of people put more description in their second ones... haha but anyways, great job!
Post a Comment